I became a therapist because of a broken heart. I was at seminary not really because I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but because I enjoyed studying religion, theology, philosophy, and all that good stuff. But I was still sort of wandering, and I met this woman, who was smart and pretty and just all around great, and I fell in love! And I thought, "Hey! I'm going to marry this lady!". She didn't. And that really sucked, and it hurt a whole lot, and she dumped me, and I got saddled with some of the most excruciating pain I had ever felt. And I decided by God if I have to go through this, I might as well learn something from it. So I started studying relationships. What makes them work, what doesn't. I started with Plato's Symposium and worked my way up to Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want. From classical to pop! And I found that helped. That helped me to understand how to communicate better, how to listen, as well as just how do relationships function in general. And then it was a year almost to the day, that my best friend called me up, and said that he was a little afraid that his wife might be cheating on him. And suddenly, for the first time in my entire life, I actually had useful knowledge! No offense to theology and all those other things I studied. I had knowledge that could be put to good use. And I did. For a time I walked with him during probably the second worst experience of his life. And did everything I could to help him by using those skills of listening deeply. And one night he said, "You know, you're kind of good at this, maybe you should do this for a career". And I thought about it. "Could I? Could I get paid to love people? Could I be a platonic prostitute? Well, why not!". So I enrolled at a school here in Indiana and I became a Marriage and Family Therapist. And I've stuck with it because, as cheesy as it probably sounds, being paid to love people is the best job in the world. And I'm grateful, every chance I get to practice it. So, that's how I became a Marriage and Family Therapist.

I guess I would say don't hesitate. Just go for it, do it. It's so tempting to put it off, but that doesn't really yield any results. So instead I find that most folks generally fall into one of four categories when it comes to that hesitation about seeking services. And the fourth one is kind of a secret, so stay tuned for that one. The first one though, is money. Let's face it, the economy is all kinds of crazy right now, society is all kinds of crazy right now. And money is a real concern for folks. That's why, don't let that be a block for you. If you find a therapist that you feel like you click with, like this is the dork for me, then go for it. Find some time to schedule with them and talk to them. Most therapists want to work with folks, they want to help. So they'll have some wiggle room. Either, y'know, OK you can't afford my sessions every week, so let's do every other week. Or, let's cut the session in half so you can pay me half. They'll find a way, and if they don't? Well then that's a pretty good indication that maybe that's not the therapist for you. So money, while it is a concern for all of us, it should never be a barrier to services. The second thing that tends to hold people back is a fear of being judged. They've gone to family, they've gone to friends, and they've tried to unpack whatever it is that is bothering them, the issues that they're facing. And what they get in response is either a story about them, the family member, and what they've done in the past, which can be helpful sometimes, abstract advice, or worst of all, "you shouldn't feel that way". I hate that phrase. "You shouldn't feel that way". No, you should feel that way. Whatever way you're feeling is perfectly valid! Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, it's all perfectly fine, because you're feeling that way. And it can be hard for family and friends to accept that about us sometimes. It can be hard to see your loved one suffer. And they want to sort of push it away. That's why it's important to go to therapy, because you can find someone who can handle those feelings and still be present with you when you're feeling those feelings and not tell you that you shouldn't but rather tell you, you can, and you should allow yourself to feel that way. Because in therapy, at least the good therapists, you should never feel judged. On the contrary, prized for who you are. That's what I strive for and I think that's what any good decent therapist would strive for. The third reason why people hesitate is because they don't know where to go, how do I find a therapist, what do I look for, what do I do? That's why I like this place so much. Because they offer these videos, they offer this chance for folks to get a feel for a potential therapist. And you're ahead of the curve, for a lot of folks, because you're here, you're listening to this. You're trying to find that good match. And if it isn't me, OK cool, go find someone that is. Because you deserve it. That brings me to my fourth one, the secret one, the one that a lot of folks don't really talk about, at least not openly, and that is, deep down, they don't really think they're worth it. They don't think they're worth therapy. Let me tell ya, whatever part of you it is that's telling you that--they're wrong. You are worth it. You are worth it. Everyone is worth having a good life! Everyone deserves to have a good life. Everyone deserves to be content. Everyone deserves to feel peaceful. And you do too. So whether it's with me or it's with someone else, find that therapist with whom you connect, and don't, don't, hesitate.

A typical session with me probably looks like starting out with just a simple question of "What should we focus on?". I'm the expert in therapy, you are the expert in you. And I trust a client's ability to know what's important to them what they want to focus on. So whatever it is that they want to focus on that's what we focus on. And then throughout this session I'm usually trying to do just three things. On the surface they sound pretty simple but by god they can be kind of difficult sometimes. And they are--I want to be starting with being empathetic, I want to hear--I want to listen as closely as I can to whoever it is that I'm listening to. I want to hear as deeply, as as close to the edges of whatever it is that they're sharing with me as I can. Even to the point where they may not be totally aware of a part of what they said or what it implies. And I want to communicate that I heard them and that I accept them and this is what I'm hearing, this is what I'm thinking, does this sound right, is this right for what's going on for you. And if I can do that that's like one-third of the therapeutic endeavor. The other part is accepting and prizing the person. That is whatever it is that they choose to share I'm still going to value them no matter what. I'm still going to think that they're a good person. I'm still going to enjoy the time that we have together. I may disagree with them, I may say "Maybe that wasn't such a good idea", but I'm still going to value them. They're not going to be judged when they're sitting down and talking with me. And most importantly of all perhaps is I'm going to do both of these things in a way that's genuine. In a way that's congruent with who I am in a way that's hopefully even transparent. Because heck if I'm not being real then what's the point? Then the relationship isn't real and how can the healing and the therapy be real. I've got to be genuine just as much as I've got to prize the client, as I've got to listen as deeply and empathetically as I can. So that's kind of the meat of the session and then at the end of sessions--again because the client is the expert in them, I like to ask them, "So what was helpful today? What was useful? What did you get out of this encounter?". And sometimes, indeed maybe most of the time it's just "I got to vent" or "you listened", but as therapy goes on there's a switch that starts to happen. The client shifts from, "you listened and that meant a lot" to "I heard myself, I understood myself, I allowed myself to feel these things, to think of these things, to explore these possibilities of being. And that is what I found so helpful today." I love that shift and it's exciting to see people make it. And in order to help facilitate that shift I like to ask for feedback on those three things that I talked about earlier. I ask folks on a scale of zero to ten, where ten is darn good but not perfect, "How listened to do you feel, how appreciated, how accepted do you feel. How genuine have I been?". And my ego loves to hear tens of course but what I'm really listening for are the nines the nine and a half's, the eights, god forbid a seven. The hint that there has been something that's gone awry. Because if I can get that feedback sooner rather than later, then I can move to address it, to adjust, to make some change to fix maybe something that went awry and in so doing I can make the relationship even stronger than what it was before. And then the rest is just sort of like scheduling and bills and all that junk, but the the heart and core I think of therapy are those three things: empathy, acceptance and prizing, and doing it all from a place that's genuine. That I hope is what a session looks like with me.